Q&A: My 12 Year Old is Regressing in Skills
Q. My daughter is 12 and will be starting high school next year. She was diagnosed with autism when she was 6 but has got through primary school without any support other than her teachers helping her through some fights with friends and not sticking to one peer group. This term she seems to be losing skills. I have taken her to the doctor because I was worried there was something wrong with her body or her brain but the doctor said it’s just her autism. Why is she going backwards after so many years and will this continue to happen until I have a toddler again? How do I stop it or know when it’s going to stop? Why is this regression happening?
Mum of daughter, aged 9-13
A.
Autism is a dynamic condition, both in terms of the autistic person’s capacity, and how it presents. Just because they can do something one day, it doesn’t mean they can the next. Just because they find something “impossible” for a long time doesn’t mean they can’t develop the skill practically overnight. A skill that goes AWOL isn’t always a “regression” – it may well still be right there. While not necessarily a theory all would agree to, I tend to perceive this fluidity much like Spoon Theory. That autistic people have an energy quota. A battery that requires charging. There is not the capacity to do all the things:
- Emotional regulation
- Socialising
- Sensory processing
- Learning
- Physical activity
- Resting
- Communicating
- Processing information
- Following instructions
- Trying to behave as expected
- Eating, and trying new things
- And so much more
The energy needs to be budgeted across expectations and needs, and sometimes something needs to be left out. Sometimes this is something they’ve been doing for years without question, or something that seems like a very big deal to no longer do.
Current Capacity
The size of the battery can change, or at least appear to. During periods of autistic burn out, the overall capacity is dramatically reduced. Hormonal fluctuations (which your 12 year old girl is quite likely to be experiencing at her age), weather (too hot, too cold, too windy, not enough sunshine…), and input (positive comments, support, good sleep, enough nutritional food, etc) can also cause significant difference to what it available to be budgeted in the first place.
If your daughter is hormonal, it’s been a cold and wet winter, and she’s not been eating or sleeping well due to her struggles, she is simple not going to have the ability to do all the things she used to do even if she wants to.
The Balancing Act
If an autistic child, particularly an older one, begins to lose skills, it can be useful to focus on what it replacing these skills, rather than trying to force them back into play.
As a 12 year old girl some obvious factors, even without knowing your life circumstances, could include:
- Increasing academic pressures and complexity as she approaches high school
- Concerns about starting high school, including fear of the unknown, changes in social options if her friends are going to different high schools, not knowing how she will get to/from school
- Social changes, as girls this age offer experience increasing social conflict due to developmental differences
- Puberty, and her own hormonal changes, resulting in physical and emotional changes
- General life challenges, like conflict at home, extracurricular and homework, illness, injury, social events, and even natural disasters and other major news items they might be aware of.
So consider if her lost skills are simply being traded out. Skills that frequently can go out the window when an autistic child is overloaded include:
- Interest in a broad range of foods / textures
- Ability to speak in many situations
- General coordination (can result in kicked toes, bumped elbows, bruised shins, grazed knees, etc)
- Stamina and resilience
- Attending school easily
- Emotional regulation
- Expected behaviour and manners
- Academics
- Social happiness
- Sleep regulation – including the ability to fall asleep, ability to sleep
- Toileting – including encopresis, enuresis, withholding, increased frequency, night waking
Have You Asked?
When it comes to neurodivergent children, parents often forget the obvious approach – ask your child. Particularly when you’re dealing with communicative, largely capable, clever kids, the fact they are autistic should not cloud your perception of their self-awareness. If anyone is aware of their neurodivergence and what it feels like, it’s them!
Self-empowerment and self-advocacy are two of the greatest skills you can teach a neurodivergent child. To be able to say, “I don’t have the Spoons”, or to say, “I don’t have it in my to take my boots off right now – could you please help me?” might sound defeatist or needy to those who don’t understand, but in a neuroaffirming world, they are brave, clever, and a different form of capability.
Health Check
Obviously any changes in our family that can be indicative of serious health concerns are worth running by your GP. You would not want to assume the problem was Year 6 exams, then discover your daughter had a physical health condition that should have been addressed!
However, if your GP is not concerned, or asks you to do a blood test but can’t find anything wrong, etc, it might not be necessary to keeping pushing for a medical answer.
Ensuring iron levels, etc, are looking healthy is a fantastic way to give your neurodivergent child the best chance of thriving anyway.
What Can I Do?
First, talk to your child. If this is a kid who has had such low noticeable support needs for so long, she will be more than capable of chatting this out with you, even if it takes patience and involves a lot of “I don’t know, Mum!”. Make sure it’s approached with empathy, concern, and love, not as a criticism of their recent abilities or behaviours. Tell them you know they’re amazing, and you know they’re doing the best they can, and that you’d like to help them ensure it’s how they want to do things.
Explain the battery analogy to them, and help them actively budget their options. See if there’s anything you can drop from the calendar, or make less impactful.
If you do believe it could be a case of trading out, see if there’s an opportunity to reducing the stressors and complications, to allow her the space to rediscover those lost skills. Or simply accepting that those skills are on the back burner for now. She may well appreciate you discussing this with her, and acknowledging that she’s doing the best she can, and that you love her for her not for her ability to put on her shoes, or eat complex meals.
And, while it might not sit right with you initially, just help! If your 12 year old is giving school her all, to maintain friendships, to do well in class, to be a good student, to contribute to her community… and as a result she finds it impossible to get dressed alone, or talk to retail workers, for a while… who cares? Help her get dressed by breaking it down into smaller goals, body doubling, modelling, hand-under-hand, hand-over-hand, or even just doing it for her. Ask her what works best for her, and follow her lead. You will not be teaching her to be dependent or helpless.
Sometimes it’s the understanding and giving that helps recharge that battery a little more anyway, and makes room for old skills to reemerge.
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