Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky

Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky logo with Infinity symbol blending with the Q

Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

Two children working together to colour a rainbow drawing

Just Because You Used To: Change is Okay

I was recently talking to a parent whose child was facing a dilemma. This ND kiddo had developed some anxieties around going to school. It didn’t look like the usual “School Can’t” (which obviously doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t!), as they were happy getting ready for school, and travelling to school. It was more that they had started insisting that their parent stay until the bell went and then walk them to class, after quite a long time of being dropped off and lining up with their class without parental support. While there was a possibility this was down to fluidity within their neurotype, burnout, or School Can’t, it struck me as likely that there was something else at play. That there had been a change.

We talked about other things happening at school. I discovered that this kiddo was feeling irritated by another child who had, until quite recently, been her usual partner in crime. They were sharing that this classmate followed them everywhere in the playground during breaks, and they didn’t like it. 

They had always started the school day by lining up together, and walking together to their classroom. There was my “Ah-ha!” moment.

Just Because You Used To…

This child is clearly doing a great job of knowing that just because she used to like someone or something, it doesn’t mean she has any obligation to like it forever. It is okay for our preferences to change.

Even if something was a SPIN or a glimmer, a safe food, or a favourite comfort item, there is always the possibility that one day it will not be as valuable. It might even be actively disliked!

@chloeshayden

my brain has decided to go on strike help me

♬ original sound – Chloé Hayden

Remind your child, and know for yourself, that it is perfectly fine for a favourite to stop being a favourite. It is okay that this child doesn’t want to be best friends with the same child anymore. It’s okay if they choose to line up with someone else.

Compromise

What doesn’t always occur to the autistic brain in these situations is that compromise is possible. If cheeseburgers were the favourite safe food, and are now no longer the favourite, it doesn’t necessarily mean you will hate them. (You might! But it’s not a given). If you had three paths you liked for walking to school, and one was your favourite, just because it’s not your favourite anymore doesn’t necessarily mean you now only have two ways to walk to school. If a soft toy went everywhere with you, but now stays home while a different toy is your favourite, it doesn’t mean the old favourite needs to go in the bin or get put into storage.

Obviously in all those situations it might mean those things. But it’s not a given!

So in the case of the kiddo in my example above, it appeared she might not have considered that she could line up with that same class mate still – so getting to class went back to normal and was no longer a dilemma – but not spend lunchtime with them.

It would also be okay if they chose another child to line up with, but knew that didn’t mean the child they line up with must fill the same role, and also be their best friend at lunchtime. No expectation on either side in that transaction.

Justice and Obligation

As many autistic people have a strong sense of justice, some can apply to themselves to rather unfair degrees. They can invest time in a hobby they don’t enjoy, because they “wasted” money on the supplies before they decided it wasn’t for them. They can wear uncomfortable clothes and suffer the sensory overload because they were sure it was something they were going to like.

In this case, I hypothesised that this child might feel obligated to remain the other kid’s best friend because they were relying on them for comfort to get to class. It was a self-induced guilt trip.

How Can I Help?

Sometimes you will need to explicitly tell your child that it’s okay to do one thing without the other. You could chat through some examples of when it would be considered taking advantage of the other person, and when it would be acceptable.

For example, it’s not okay to:

  • Act like you don’t know someone in one context, when you are friendly with them in another
  • Accept when your friend offers you half their chocolate cake every day, but refuse to ever share your treats. (Perhaps clarify details here… Just because they offer doesn’t mean you must offer. You don’t owe them half a treat for every time they’ve given you half a treat. If they offer every day and you decline politely you don’t have to offer, etc)
  • Refuse to share your coloured pencils with a classmate, then get angry or say “It’s not fair” if they share their markers with people other than you. You can regret your decision, and apologising for it and offering repair might mean they’ll share. Just because you apologise doesn’t mean they ought to share; an apology is not a bargaining chip
  • Make someone a gift because you want them to give you one

But it is okay to:

  • Sit with different people in different classes, without feeling like you’re abandoning people
  • Accept a gift with gratitude, but without reciprocating
  • Go to a birthday party even if you’re not going to have one and can’t invite them in return
  • And, of course, it is always okay to ask a parent, teacher, or other trusted person if they can talk through a dilemma with you and sense-check your rationale!

Kindness is Key

While I am very much against the teaching of neurotypical social skills to neurodivergent kids in a way that forces aping, masking or inauthentic behaviours, I do think you are doing your child massive favours by teaching them explicitly about kindness.

If they know about being polite and using manners and considering other people’s feelings, then any perceived bluntness or rudeness can be processed – both by the recipient and by the child – in a different way. But sometimes autistic children hurt or offend others, and don’t understand why because no-one has explained this to them.

So do remind them that “I’m going to go and play with [name]. I’ll see you later!” is kinder than “Go away!” And that “No, thank you,” is a good response to Grandpa offering a jellybean than, “Yuck! They’re disgusting!”. Not that they have any obligation to always opt for the latter. But every child deserves to know how their actions and words might impact on others, and if your child doesn’t intuitively understand this, your guidance gives them the option to choose. Change is okay.

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