Modelling or Coddling: Helping With Tasks
When your neurodivergent child insists they can’t do something you know they can do, or simply asks for help with a task you think they should be doing independently at their age, a decision needs to be made. Do you insist they do it, or do you help? If the latter, are you actually helping, or are you setting a dangerous precedent?
Will they rely on you forever?
Will they fail to learn the skills they need to improve the task?
Will they become increasingly dependent on you?
Will they start doing this to their teachers and friends as well?
In short, no.
The Reason for Refusal
There are a number of reasons that neurodivergent children, especially those with a PDA profile, will claim they can’t do a task you know they’re capable of. We’ve mentioned, when previously discussing PDA, the act of “flopping”. A natural response to conflict – like fight, flight, and other more commonly known reactions – is a physical flop, and can even include decreased brain function. Children with PDA can genuinely physiologically collapse in reaction to a demand.
Other aspects of neurodivergence such as executive dysfunction, task avoidance, and anxiety, can also lead to the rejection of seemingly easy tasks.
An answer of “I can’t” to “Please put your shoes on” is not necessarily melodramatic or dishonest. It can be the truth, however unlikely it may sound.
The Reason for Asking for Help
If your child directly asks for help – “Can you do it for me?” – rather than flopping or refusing, there are three primary reasons (and a myriad of other possibilities!):
Self-awareness regarding the flop response above is not expected at a young age, but does sometimes happen. When your child recognises this feeling, they might feel that asking for help is a more productive and acceptable response to your request than “I can’t”.
Spoon budgeting is other potential reason for asking for help. Again not frequently seen in young children, some children are aware that there is only so much they can achieve within a period of time without struggling. Some will know intuitively that asking for help on tasks that can be assisted will allow them to work independently on tasks that are more important to do alone, such as toileting, transitioning between tasks at school, or dance lessons, for example.
Sometimes our neurodivergent children like to check we’re still there if they need us. Like crossing a balance beam and wanting to have your hand within reach but not actually wanting to hold it. Once our children are capable of completing some tasks alone, they can – consciously or otherwise – wonder if we’re still there to grab them if they fall. It can feel very isolating to go from having a parent by your side all the time and helping with all tasks, to suddenly being sent away to work alone.
The Best Response
Many parents, especially after many have spent years (and potentially even employing professional assistance) working towards their child being able to function independently, are terrified of the precedent that “going backwards” sets. Are they going to regress?
Dr Casey Ehrlich shared this wonderful Instagram reel:
As frustrating as it might feel when you have just carved out little moments of space for yourself, your best bet is to help.
If they’re flopping, then they genuinely need your support.
If they’re saving spoons, you’re helping them learn to budget, and you’re helping them have the best day possible.
If they’re improving their sense of security and attachment, then you’re strengthening this trust, which will actually allow them to be more independent. It feels contradictory, but it works.
Modelling vs Coddling
Another important element of aiding your child when they want or need you to, is modelling. Assisting your child models important skills and behaviours:
- Empathy/kindness/love – If you, as an adult, asked a friend or family member for help you would hope for their kindness in response. Assisting your child when they ask for help demonstrates empathy and kindness for them. It models positive behaviours for them to emulate. If a friend asks them for help carrying books, do you want your child to turn away or be kind?
- The skill in question – Any time you assist your child with a task – brushing teeth, getting dressed, tying shoelaces – you are reinforcing the neural pathways that carry the information regarding how to do these tasks. The more the task is done, the more confident your child is with it, the less likely they are to want help. Don’t see dressing your 10 year old as coddling them, but as an opportunity to reinforce how straightforward and stress-free the act of dressing can be.
- Secure attachment – Many neurodivergent people, particularly those struggling with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, regularly need reassurance that they are loved, that their friends and family aren’t angry/upset with them, and that they are a valuable part of their community. Helping your child when they want or need it, reinforces the secure attachment you have with your child. This reduces pressure on their central nervous system, often allowing them to move into the next task without assistance. Building trust and relationship strength with your child is never a bad thing.
- Asking for help – For many adults, neurodivergent or otherwise, asking for help is a lost art. Many people, especially neurodivergent people, feel like asking for help is a sign of weakness, admitting defeat, or license for others to mock or ridicule. The needs of neurodivergent people are often dismissed or minimised, making them feel abandoned or needy. There is a fear that comes with asking for help; both that admitting you need help is a failing, and also of the pain associated with asking for help and not receiving it. By acknowledging and responding positively to your child’s request for help, you are teaching them a skill that will serve them well throughout their life.
How Can You Help?
Encourage the child with a flop response to communicate their need for help. Assist them whether or not this occurs. Respond positively and warmly to the child who asks for help. Encourage teamwork if you feel they have the capacity, but allow them to guide you in regards to whether they are or are not able.
Remember that neurodivergencies such as autism are fluid and fluctuating, and what is possible one day might not be the next, and might be again the following!
Be warm, be kind, and give your child precisely what you wish someone would give you if you asked for help. Whether or not you think the reason they’re asking for help is valid or logical is irrelevant.