Setting the Tone
Sometimes dysregulation can feel like it has simply set in. There can be phases where every day feels harder and more out of your control. While there can be other factors that genuinely are beyond your control, one common issue is our own negative feelings as parents. Neurodivergent people have the reputation of lacking empathy, however the vast majority are quite the opposite. Many are emotional sponges, whether they want to be or not! Setting the tone can change everything.
Our Little Sponges
When a neurodivergent child’s primary support has negative feelings, this can be effectively contagious. This can be seen in dysregulation after a day with a “cranky” teacher (who might be struggling with their own problems!). It can result in greater emotional response to sad films than you would expect from a child. They can even pick it up from music, getting aggressive or hyperactive due to fast music, or finding gentle songs very soothing and relaxing.
But it does also mean that a child’s dysregulation which leads to stress or frustration from their parents is likely to lead to further dysregulation. A very negative spiral, and one that isn’t easy to break. And, more importantly, one that we must recognise is on the adult to break, not the child.
Much like during coregulation, our children not only follow and emulate the behaviours and tone that we model, but their central nervous systems align to ours.
Choosing the Tone
Using their own strategies, parents can demonstrate calm, patience, love, and even happiness for their dysregulation children. We can choose the tone – a positive one – rather than going with the reflex. And, based on the principles of the DBT “half-smile”, we can trick ourselves into feeling better with faked happiness too. Our child witnesses our behaviour, and subconsciously sponges up the good feelings. “If Mum and Dad don’t see a reason to be stressed, maybe there’s no reason for me to be stressed!”
So if our child sees us feeling happier and more relaxed, and therefore they start feeling happier and more relaxed… And our own bodies and brains are gently tricked into feeling happier and more relaxed… And our child’s behaviours stop triggering us into behaviours that aren’t happy or relaxed… Here begins the positive spiral. The spiral up, and up, and up, until neither of you are faking it or trying to be brave!
What If I’m the Problem?
There are many ways to break the negative cycle, if generalised dysregulation is the primary issue. If there are other issues at play for your child, such as pain, genuine fear or anxiety, overwhelm, etc, then doing your part to break the cycle will certainly still help, but might not repair. It will, however, give both of you more space to focus on the actual issues that need addressing. It won’t all feel so impossible. If your genuine dysregulation is the issue, this is significantly harder.
Parenting a neurodivergent child who has emotional sponging tendencies, whilst going through our own stresses and trauma can be exhausting. Not only are we dealing with our own emotions and needs, but have additional demands on us when our children exhibit greater needs, and feel guilty for “setting them off”.
Firstly, let go of the guilt. You have every right to be human, and every right to have feelings. You also deserve to be allowed to feel and express them, rather than bottling them up. When parenting, it’s important that we clearly communicate our emotions with our children rather than leaving it up to interpretation. Especially when it comes to ND kids.
Obviously, “I lost my job and I don’t know how we’re going to pay the rent, so I’m terrified and depressed,” is not a burden any child needs to hear!
Instead try something like, “Grown ups have responsibilities, and sometimes they can feel really big. Right now I’m feeling really overwhelmed by some of my responsibilities, so I’m not feeling very happy. I feel sad about some of my responsibilities at the moment, so sometimes I cry or am a bit distracted. I love you very much, and nothing you are doing is causing my sadness. Please be patient if I’m not as focused as usual, and know that I am still here for you just as much as normal. It is not your job to solve my problems, or fix my big feelings. I’m always keen for a hug though!”
Using distress tolerance techniques such as DBT can also help us designate specific times to process big feelings, deal with them appropriately, and not let them consume us quite so much. Not only does this make it easier for our kids, but also easier for us to parent, for us to cope day to day, and for us to resolve the issues that are hurting us in the first place! It’s a winner for all.
How to Break the Cycle
Methods used to choose the tone, and break the cycle, are varied. They are heavily determined by your own child’s needs, your needs, lifestyle, likes, traits, and any disabilities or other factors.
Once you feel confident you can behave primarily positively, it can help to illustrate this change to ensure it is noticed. And hopefully absorbed!
Some tricks we use at home include:
- Sofa meeting (the kids say they don’t like this because it feels like they’re in trouble, so I try to keep it focused on what I feel I’m doing wrong, apologising for it, asking what each child needs, and then expressing what I need)
- Spontaneous dance party
- A collaborative non-competitive game, even better if it’s outside
- Art or craft time
- Love bombing, and bordering-on-excessive praise; focusing on, and verbalising, all the positives, and all your favourite things about your child
- Mixing up meals, if this won’t be confronting for your child. My kids particularly love pancakes-for-lunch or breakfast-for-dinner
- Make believe / imaginary play, such as serving dinner pretending you’re at a restaurant, or treating hair wash as a trip to the salon
- Physical connection, such as hugs, snuggling to read a book or watch a film, holding hands when walking together
What If You Can’t?
There may well be times that you can’t rise above the stress, frustration, or sadness. No matter how loving or determined you are as a parent, you are also human, and it is okay to be less than perfect on a regular basis!
When you can see your own struggles are impacting on your child, it can make things feel significantly heavier.
Try to use strategies such as DBT techniques to reduce actual distress, give you the opportunity to process your feelings at the most opportune moments rather than whenever they hit, and to cope through the worst of it.
Ask for help, and if you feel that help isn’t available, look into developing new support options.
And if all else fails, cereal for dinner, taking a mental health day together, talking about how heavy everything has felt but that it’ll get better, and just existing outside of the usual stress and expectations, can be just enough respite to get you back on track. You are at least setting the tone that everything is going to be okay, even if it isn’t awesome right now.