Empathic, empathetic

As the majority of autistic people have some level of difficulty with social cues, it was long mistakenly thought that these same people had difficulty with – or did not experience – empathy. Some studies continue to “prove” this, however neuroaffirming research and lived-experience reporting, largely contradicts this belief. The three main factors causing this incorrect stereotype to continue are likely to be:

• The fact that researchers tend to group all elements of empathy into one umbrella term, and therefore do not factor in differences across this mini-spectrum
• Alexithymia and other processing and expression disorders prevalent in the neurodivergent community

Social and emotional hurdles when it comes to displaying empathy, such as low self-esteem, self-protection from RSD, and communication differences

Elements of Empathy

There is significantly more to empathy that the stereotyped “ability to walk in someone else’s shoes”. Four of these include:

• Recognising emotions in others
• The ability to see things from someone else’s perspective, potentially even feeling what they feel (or imagining what this would be like)
• The drive and action of helping others when need is recognised
• Inferring other people’s beliefs, level of knowledge, or interest during conversation

Neurodivergent people might struggle with specific elements, rather than lacking in empathy entirely.

A common scenario might be that your neurodivergent child sees you stub your toe, knows that this will hurt, cares that you are currently in pain… but instead of saying anything, asks for a snack or walks away! There is a step missing in their empathic processing; they don’t know to, or perhaps don’t know how to, act upon the information they have. To you, however, it might look like they don’t care.

Other children might not be able to recognise your emotions and needs, but still wish to meet them. They could see you stub your toe, see you sit down with tears in your eyes, then approach and say, “Why are you sad?” If you simply tell them, “I kicked my toe on the table, and it really hurts. I am in pain,” they may well then go and, unprompted, get you an ice pack, a drink, a snack, give you a hug, etc. What’s missing here is the interpretation of experience and/or emotion.

Processing Disorders

People who experience alexithymia can find empathising difficult, as they frequently miss the key step of recognising the emotions in play. If supported by being expressly told emotions others are experiencing, they will often be able to use the other skills mentioned above to still be a very empathic person.

A number of neurodivergent people also experience processing delays and disorders. Sometimes, in moments that call for empathy, this can lead to them “missing the moment” which can be interpreted by others as uncaring, unsupportive, or useless. If your neurodivergent child experiences this, try to accept their kindness and support after the fact as readily and warmly as you would have in that moment. If you are sad, and they appear not to notice, don’t be offended; and if they do comment a little, be as grateful as you would have been had they given this immediately.

Hurdles

Many neurodivergent people have traits that create fairly significant roadblocks when it comes to adequately and appropriately expressing empathy.

• RSD: may avoid acting upon empathic feelings due to perceived rejection, or fear of rejection. This often is the case if a ND child feels they are the cause of your “bad feelings” in the first place
• Low self-esteem: may be hesitant to step in during moments of high emotion, in the fear of getting it wrong or making things worse.
• Communication differences: may appear to not mean the kind things they’re saying due to tone difference, communication methods, or lack of eye contact
• Sensory challenges: might not be keen to offer hugs or physical support even if it’s what is clearly needed

It is important to look beyond your child’s limitations, and see what aspects of empathy they are offering you, rather than resenting or lamenting what you feel you are missing out on.

Doing it Differently

Like many things, sometimes neurodivergent people do the same things as neurotypical people, but differently.

One of my daughters can appear a little blind to other people’s needs, in that she can want to control games despite others having different input, will struggle if people don’t want to do the same things as her, will happily expect far too much from people without realising the stress this creates, and cannot self-regulate based on someone else’s needs at the time. However, she is also the first person in the entire family to offer to help, to check if people are okay if their mood is a bit off, to appear with a bandaid if someone gets a scratch, and to wrap people in a hug if she thinks it’ll help.

If you lived with a child like that focusing on the tricky parts and working to “fix” them, you would create a situation where they felt unsure of their approach. As a result, you would largely miss out on all the benefits. All those beautiful, loving, supportive moments that not many other people provide.

The Empaths

Being “an empath” is not a scientifically recognised skill, trait or neurotype.

It is, however, seen as someone who experiences greater empathy than others; just as certain mental health conditions are characterised by a significant, or complete, lack of empathy.

Highly empathic people, or empaths, are believed by some people – including some psychologists, psychiatrist, and other medical professionals – to be a specific type of person, potentially possessing more “mirror neurons” than average.

As a late-diagnosed autistic adult, at one point I identified with a lot of what Judith Orloff had to say about empaths. Not so much the spiritual, psychic side of things. But the physiological absorption of other people’s emotions, the coping strategies and necessary boundary setting, the preferred treatment by partners… it was very familiar. And because “highly empathic” was not only not seen as a trait of autism, but frequently seen as an indicator against it, it made it even harder to understand my neurotype for what it is.

Personally, the more I read of Orloff’s in depth work, the more I suspect that most of the people who are identified by her work are also autistic.

Perhaps over time we will find the Mirror Neuron System appearing on neurodivergence spectrum wheels too, adding to our spiky, spiky profiles.