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More Than Quirky

Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky logo with Infinity symbol blending with the Q

Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

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Alexithymia: Emotion Processing Complications

Some people, particularly neurodivergent people, can find it difficult to recognise or name emotions. 

Alexithymia is an inability (or reduced ability) to describe or identify emotions. It is not a diagnosable condition in itself, but a neuropsychological trait. It is sometimes referred to emotional blindness. 

Different Presentations

Alexithymia does not look the same for all people who experience it.

For some people it will relate to not being able to connect their physiological responses and thought patterns to a specific feeling. They will know their heart is racing, that their muscles are tense, that it’s a “bad” feeling, and that they feel like lashing out… but not be able to recognise this as anger without support and guidance. 

Others will know how they’re feeling but have difficulty communicating it, or demonstrating it in a way that can be understood by others. Sadness might be presented as anger, confusion may look like a lack of interest, happiness might look like aggression.

Alexithymia can also mean they have difficulty correctly inferring emotions in others, and/or responding ideally. Combined with processing disorders, low self-esteem, and other elements common in neurodivergent kids, it can result in frequent check ins. “Are you angry with me?” Asking this question is seen as hugely problematic in relationships, especially neurotypical romantic relationships, but is a valid and crucial approach for many neurodivergent people.

Tricky Buddies

Alexithymia often presents alongside interoception disorders (difficulty understanding cues from the body, such as hunger, needing the toilet, heat/cold, exhaustion, etc). This may be due to the relationship between recognising internal physiological experiences; so much of what we experience as an emotion is not purely thought patterns, but the way our bodies respond.

Alexithymic people frequently experience emotional dysregulation, and may have greater incidence of depression and anxiety.

How Can I Help?

There are a number of different aspects of alexithymia that your neurodivergent child might need assistance with, including:

  • Looking for emotions to ensure your child is adequately heard
  • Recognising/naming their emotions, and learning to demonstrate these to others effectively
  • Repairing dysregulation caused by feeling confused or misunderstood
  • Checking in with others regarding their emotions without increasing dysregulation

Seeking Feelings and Recognising Emotions

If your child’s alexithymia means they frequently have a neutral, or static (odd or bad) facial expression, it does not mean they don’t feel emotions still.

Your child might benefit from you actively seeking their input.

For example, if your ND child’s little brother tears up their favourite book when Mum left it on a coffee table after reading time, and they seem unresponsive, ask them, “How does that make you feel?” If they don’t know, offer your own experience, “I think I would feel angry that someone had ruined my favourite book, and sad that my book is broken, and frustrated that my book was left out in reach of the baby.”

Consider using emojis, or a chart, such as Wondermade’s Feelings poster, for children.

These steps also apply if your child is actively demonstrating big feelings, though an additional option here is, “It looks like you might be angry, because you are shouting and frowning and your face is red which means maybe your heart and breathing aren’t their usual speed.” Try avoid applying emotive language like “you have an angry face” or “you’re acting angrily”.

Adults, and older children, may benefit from a detailed emotions wheel such as the Junto Institute wheel. 

The Junto Institute Emotion & Feeling Wheel: https://www.thejuntoinstitute.com/emotion-wheels/

Some people with alexithymia will be able to start broad (“I think I’m sad”) then narrow it down as they work further out the wheel until they can determine what they’re feeling. Others will insist they’re not behaving angrily, for example, because they actually feel jealous, but in using the wheel will be able to process that jealousy is a form of anger, and that that’s why it may appear as anger to those around them.

After It’s Identified

Once an emotion is expressed (verbally or otherwise):

  • Validate it (literally repeat it back: “You’re feeling jealous.”) and offer praise for pinpointing their feelings
  • Ask if they wanted to share, or if they need help
    • If they wanted to share, thank them for trusting you, and remind them you’re there if they need anything
    • If they want help, ask if they know what they need, and do your best to accommodate this
  • If someone acknowledges they want help, but doesn’t know what they want that to look like, consider:
    • Encouraging them to share the issues that have made them feel any negative emotions, engaging active listening
    • Reminding them of positives, without disagreeing with the legitimacy of their feelings. Eg, if they say they’re feeling scared, remind them they’re in a safe place now
    • Offer or demonstrate calming strategies such as box breathing, sensory toys, drinking water, coregulation, or distraction

Reaching Out and Checking In

Something that is seen as problematic in neuronormative society is directly asking if someone is experiencing negative feelings towards you. Eg, “Are you angry with me?”

It seems to imply that they’re behaving badly (which is not what’s being said), demonstrates a lack of neurotypical emotional processing (which, like many neurodivergent traits, creates unease in neurotypical people), appears needy and “fishing for compliments”, and often triggers negative emotions even if they weren’t present initially! Not great when all your child wanted to know was if they’d done something wrong or needed to fix something.

What’s important here is to acknowledge that a neurodivergent person needing this input is not what needs to be eradicated. It is possible to try to avoid conflict, whilst still being neuroaffirming.

So instead of telling your child “stop asking people that!”, teach your child to pose these sort of questions as being about the other person. It is important, however, to ensure this doesn’t make it an attack.

Instead of “Are you angry at me?” encourage “Are you okay? You seem upset.”

Instead of “Did I make you sad by talking about [upsetting topic]?” try “I’m sorry if discussing [upsetting topic] hurt you.”

Both of these give the other person the opportunity to share their feelings, from, “No, I’m totally fine, it’s all good,” to “Yes, you’ve hurt me by…”

Other Articles That Might Help

Emotional Dysregulation

Why So Hangry? Interoception Processing Issues

Q&A: Why Does My Child Say They’re Bored?

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