Chill the Beans: Working WITH Anxiety

Clinical anxiety is a disorder independent of neurotypes such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and apraxia of speech. However, anxiety is frequently experienced by neurodivergent people; approximately half of autistic people experience clinical levels of anxiety. This is not just a simple case of worrying about things. Clinical anxiety is persistent, intrusive, and frequently includes physiological responses well beyond standard nervousness or fear.

It is highly difficult to determine if the coexistence of anxiety and a neurotype such as autism is correlative or causal, though many neurodivergent adults report the latter. 

In fact a new amendment to the definition of anxiety in the DSM-V included: 

The disturbance is not better explained by another mental disorder (e.g., anxiety or worry about having panic attacks in panic disorder, negative evaluation in social anxiety disorder [social phobia], contamination or other obsessions in obsessive-compulsive disorder, separation from attachment figures in separation anxiety disorder, reminders of traumatic events in posttraumatic stress disorder, gaining weight in anorexia nervosa, physical complaints in somatic symptom disorder, perceived appearance flaws in body dysmorphic disorder, having a serious illness in illness anxiety disorder, or the content of delusional beliefs in schizophrenia or delusional disorder).

DSM-5, 2013

As such, there is a school of thought that believes that most neurodivergent people are not clinically anxious at all, but simply responding to the complications of living in a neuronormative world.

Whether you believe your child is clinically anxious (ie, it is not justified by their experience), or experiencing anxiety for understandable reasons, how you help your child cope with this experience is much the same.

It is important to appreciate that a child experiencing anxiety for a reason (opposed to clinically anxious children) still might not be able to explain their justification or specific concerns.

Don’t Poke the Bear

When your child is feeling anxious, their central nervous system is heightened. Adrenaline and cortisol may be elevated. Heart rate, blood flow, respiration, and reflexes, escalate. Your child is ready to react in one of many ways including fight, flight, and freeze.

If you express frustration, annoyance, disappointment, or anger at their anxious behaviour, this will only elevate things further. Potentially into meltdown territory. If your child is particularly sensitive to these responses, especially if they experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, even a sigh, an eye roll, or leaving the room can be enough to add to the difficulties.

As much as possible, when your child displays any signs of anxiety, meet them with empathy, kindness, love, and validation. It isn’t easy, particularly if you need your child to do the task they’re struggling with, or are feeling judged that they’re struggling. But it is hugely important.

And just as important, perhaps even more so, is validation.

Validation

The first step in reducing an episode of anxiety is acknowledging it, and acknowledging that it is not misbehaviour or being difficult.

Validating your child’s experience, feelings, and situation, will help prevent them feeling judged or criticised for their behaviour. It is so important for neurodivergent behaviours to be accepted and accommodated, rather than the subject of constant – usually negative – feedback. Yes, there are some marked similarities between the outward presentation of “naughty” and “struggling”, but internally the difference is immense. If unsure, always err on the side of trusting that your child is doing the best; because they almost always are.

If your child, for example, says they don’t want to visit their grandma that afternoon, as was planned, and starts being rough with their belongings, consider:

• “I can see that you’re not feeling great. That must be so hard!”
• ”Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” (And validate).
• “Do you know what has you feeling that way?” (And validate).

Let them share as many thoughts and feelings as they can find words for, and validate these, even if they seem ridiculous or far fetched to you. Or they feel like excuses for not doing what you want them to.

It does not matter if going to grandma’s has always been straightforward, or if you need them to go to grandma’s because you have an appointment. They don’t need to be reminded of these things. In most aspects, the issue of going to grandma’s is almost irrelevant in this moment. What’s important right now, is helping your child ease their anxiety, to allow them to take the next step towards what they need or want to achieve.

Suddenly Impossible

It can be difficult, or even confusing, to watch a child who has been capable of a task or activity suddenly refusing to do it due to anxiety. Autism is a fluid neurodivergence, which means abilities, traits, and difficulties can change on a regular basis. Just because your child was capable of using a public bathroom for the entirety of the previous year, does not mean it can’t cause massive anxiety right now, even without an obvious change or trigger.

There are many reasons neurodivergent children struggle to do “simple tasks”. Whether they’re out of spoons, have hit task paralysis, experience PDA, are preempting RSD, or one of many, many other reasons, your child’s inability needs to be accepted as exactly this. An inability. Not a refusal. Not defiance. But an actual reason that they can’t.

But We Must!

So what happens when your child’s anxiety is interfering with something that is necessary, like leaving the house for an important appointment, or collecting a sibling from school? What about when task transition is causing anxiety, but you know they will benefit from the next activity, so want to get them out the other side? And what about the fact you simply don’t want your child to spend so many minutes of their day feeling heightened and distressed?

There are many ways to approach anxiety, particularly in neurodivergent children. Some of the best first approaches include:

• Gaining trust, then coregulating, just as you would during a meltdown
• Body doubling, where you complete the task alongside your child. Literally working with them for them to effectively mirror your actions, in a calm and gentle manner, until you reach their goal
• Actively helping them – with permission – such as helping them get dressed, or carrying them to where they need to be
• Accepting that sometimes it can’t be completely overcome in that moment, and sometimes the only choices are either thanking your child for doing “the thing” whilst expressing big feelings, or deciding not to do “the thing”.

Whenever anxiety takes hold of your child, and whatever the topic or trigger, the goal is not to do the thing. The goal is to – as my youngest puts it – chill the beans.

The target here is not your child’s behaviour, or seeking compliance. The best result, because it will help lead to what you both want, is to help them reduce their sense of fear, panic, and nervousness; to calm their central nervous system; and to overcome the physiological signals that are scream to them YOU CAN’T.

Because they can. They just need some time, love, and guidance sometimes.