Q&A: When Family Don’t Understand

Q. How do I deal with family members who don’t understand?

Mum of boy aged 5-8

A.

Extended family and friends can be a complicated aspect of raising a neurodivergent child. Their approach can appear dismissive, judgemental, critical, or even damaging. Four approaches for helping to bring them into the fold, for everyone’s benefit, include Acknowledge, Educate, Tolerate but/and Insist.

Acknowledge (Cut Them Some Slack)

When you live with a neurodivergent child, the learning curve is steep and relatively swift. Once you’re well and truly on the path, and you feel that you understand your child, their needs, behaviours, patterns, triggers, etc, it often becomes quite natural. Or at least informed.

While some people have insider knowledge (through being neurodivergent themselves, or growing up with a neurodivergent family member), or beneficial education (a teaching degree, studies in psychology, etc), the majority of people in the generation currently raising children were relatively clueless about autism until they encountered their own child. Much like many parents have never actively cared for a small baby until they have their own, you learn fast.

Before you resent a family member for judging or not understanding, take a moment to reflect on your pre-child self. Did you ever see a child having what you thought was a tantrum in a supermarket, and think to yourself, “When I have kids, they won’t be allowed to do that,” or “My kids will be taught to express themselves better than that,” or anything equally, well, what you can probably now see as ignorant?

It can be very difficult to do better, if we don’t know better. It can be hard to know better if we think we already know better, and no-one flags with us that we’re off the mark.

Educate

Emailing a pile of neuroaffirming literature might seem like a great idea, but can easily be misinterpreted as an attack. However, empathising (“Wow, we’ve learned a lot over the last year, but we live this day to day. There must be so much we’re armed with that you haven’t had access to learn yet.”) followed by an offer to help (“Would you like me to teach you some of the strategies we use?” or “Could I send you some links to my favourite online resources?”) might be taken with the positivity and optimism intended.

Try not to overwhelm them with all the things immediately. We all know how exhausting that can be, and how hard it is to wade through endless amounts of information. Perhaps start with your favourite infographic-heavy Instagram account (@mrsspeechiep, @neurowild, @autism_happy_place, etc). Neurodivergent adult advocates also give excellent insight to people who don’t currently understand (@a_different_spectrum, @chloeshayden, etc). Finding neuroaffirming accounts run by parents whose child(ren) exhibit similar behaviours to your child (@amazing.autistic.abby, etc) can also give your family unbiased insight.

It is relatively easy for family members to think your child would be different if you’d parented them differently, they had a different diet, or were disciplined more strictly. Thanks to good ol’ generational differences, some older generations will associate neurodivergence on “new” parenting approaches. However, having them spend some time with your family at home, without special events or exciting adventures, might allow them greater insight into what normal looks like for your family. Alternatively, explicitly explaining how a particular situation is likely to play out, and why, might help.

Try to be brave enough to offer people more information if they want it, whether that’s sharing your own experience, sending them professional literature, or directing them to neurodivergent and/or neuroaffirming people.

Tolerate

Some people will feel differently about this, but I believe there is room for tolerance of difference of opinion, to some degree. I initially wrote “tolerance of ignorance” but I feel this is a bit harsh; people’s perspectives are sometimes different to our own due to their own experience or trauma. This does not mean you have to accept snarky comments, dismissal of neurodivergence, or judgement, particularly when it directly impacts you or your family. However, I’d advise you pick your battles. Not everyone is ready to be educated. Not everyone is worth the fight.

Sometimes it’s worth enforcing the need for them to accept any accommodations your child requires, and leaving it at that.

Not my favourite approach, but sometimes an excellent (and necessary) spoon saver, particularly when it comes to elderly people who don’t seem to be able to adapt, or relatives who appear to be neurodivergent-in-denial themselves.

(…but) Insist

Your child’s needs are not up for debate. If your child needs to bring their own safe foods to dinner, that is not for your family to judge. If your child has a meltdown and you offer hugs and love to help them through it when your family think they should be admonished, you stick with those hugs! Sometimes, it might even be a case of turning down an invitation to an event that you know won’t work for your child.

While you might not be able to change the perspective of all family members, that does not mean you need to accommodate for their judgement instead of accommodating for your child.

It would be far nicer to know your family understand and will work alongside you to meet you child’s needs, but sometimes a quiet truce – where you do your thing, and they don’t understand but don’t judge or comment – is the best you can achieve.

Find Your People

Trust me, if your family don’t get on board, they’re the ones missing out! While it can feel devastating to lose contact with particular friends or family who don’t/won’t get it, you will benefit greatly from sticking with or seeking those who do.