Q&A: How Do I Deal with Judgement?

Q. How Do I deal with Other People’s Judgement?

Mum of boy aged 5-8

A.

When a child stims in public, people look. Often, people judge. Sometimes it’s a “what’s wrong with that kid?” look. Sometimes it’s pitiful looks directed towards the parent. Sometimes it’s a nasty comment about inappropriate behaviour. Sometimes it’s the simple, but very painful, turning away to actively not look, or move their own children away. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that some people suck. And others just don’t know what the right thing to do is.

It’s easy to tell parents to have thick skin and get on with it, but it’s not as easy as that in practice. Parents of neurodivergent children not only shoulder the judgement their children receive (much of which the kids often don’t even notice themselves), but also criticism about their own reactions and parenting. It’s a double whammy that can really hurt. And, amidst all of this, sometimes it’s the parents who are also uncomfortable or even judgemental of their child’s behaviour.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but in the past I have attempted to bribe my child to wrap up a meltdown so people would stop looking, and I’d stop feeling guilty that we were disrupting people’s days. Then I learned better.

Be Mama/Papa Bear!

One of the easiest ways to overcome any personal embarrassment is to let the feisty, protective parent take over. How dare anyone judge your child for being themself! How dare they make you or your child feel bad for something as innocuous as flapping their hands in a supermarket! How dare they tell you how you should be parenting your child when they know nothing about their neurotype, or yours, or your life, or what has happened during your day! As I said, sometimes people suck. 

If feisty, protective parent is in charge, you will swiftly find any embarrassment rapidly overcome with defiance and love. That doesn’t hurt. That feels strong.

Empathise 

The other method I have found most effective is empathy. If I can’t handle someone rolling their eyes at my child expressing some big emotions, how can I possibly expect my child to deal with this judgement appropriately throughout their life? 

Being strong without being defensive, communicating (needs, or explaining what’s happening) where useful, advocating for your child’s needs, and being 100% present in that moment for your child, sets the groundwork for their own advocacy and strength in the future.

Actively be the person you want your child to become for themselves.

Defend

If someone makes a snarky comment about your child being rude or shy because they choose not to answer a stranger’s question, a calm response such as, “They don’t always feel comfortable talking to people until they get to know them,” not only demonstrates to your child that you are not judging them, but that they are supported and understood. They are heard. And you are also providing a script for them to explain their behaviours as they get older and more inclined to self-advocate.

Ignore

As for people who are outright rude or mean? They don’t deserve any of your feelings anyway. These people have their own trauma that impacts on their perception of the world. Give them a calm response if you want to, but don’t engage in arguments or debates. You don’t owe them an explanation. You don’t need to hear their opinion. This is relevant whether in relation to neurodivergence or not!

Wish them a nice day if you feel the need to say anything, and ignore.

If You Can’t Let It Go?

Sometimes incidents of judgements can really stick with you. It might be particularly hurtful, or you might fear there’s an element of truth to it that you don’t like to acknowledge. Some comments can trigger your own concerns regarding your child, or make you frustrated that you’re occasionally irritated by them.

If you find this is happening regularly, and that you are processing events after the fact and reliving the negative emotions, please speak to a health professional. Counsellors and psychologists can provide you with tactics for letting go of these incidents, and dealing with the feelings and information in a productive and objection way. CBT can be particularly useful for this sort of information processing.

Don’t forget your neurodivergent child deserves to take up space and be themselves, just as any neurotypical child gets to. And that no-one gets to judge you when they don’t know your situation. People who do, are not your people.