Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky

Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky logo with Infinity symbol blending with the Q

Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

A silhouette of a parent throwing a child in the air, about the catch them

Big Battles vs Little Wins: Trust

Sometimes it feels like there are major sticking points with neurodivergent kids, and that no matter how hard you try you can’t avoid the conflict or trauma. You can be calm, and loving, and logical, but it doesn’t seem to help. Your spouse or partner might not have the same complications over the same issue, and you might feel you’re replicating their approach but getting the opposite reaction. It can feel like an obvious issue to target, but really it might be that you’re going too big too soon.

It’s All About Trust

for the vast majority of people on the spectrum, autism can be best understood as a disability of trust. Because of their neurological challenges, people with autism face tremendous obstacles of three kinds: trusting their body, trusting the world around them, and—most challenging of all—trusting other people. 

Barry M. Prizant, Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism

To achieve big things with your neurodivergent child, you need to establish trust. And by “big” I mean being able to get dressed independently under your guidance, being able to receive instructions from you without triggering PDA, being able to eat a meal you’ve prepared, being able to walk to school with you… through to huge things like telling you what is upsetting them, and not minding when you change plans without notice.

So while it might seem logical to choose a “big” thing – for example, getting your child to brush their teeth – and approach it with love and calm, and all the usual strategies, you first need to develop a trusting relationship. If your child doesn’t have an innate trust in you, your opinion, and your approach, then asking them to trust you with something that can be physically uncomfortable, taste strongly, actually hurt when done incorrectly, and generally cause major sensory overwhelm, is a huge – and unrealistic – ask.

Building Trust

For many neurodivergent kids, trust comes with familiarity, connection, and precedent. Big challenges have the potential to go very wrong over minor issues. Take the easy wins. Ask if it’s okay to give them a hug good morning and tell them it’s good to see them. Make them laugh by pulling a silly face over breakfast. Offer to help them do a job that is their responsibility, which you know they dislike, like packing their school bag. Ask what they’re most looking forward to in the day ahead. Find out what they want in their lunchbox, and get them to help you make it so it’s exactly the way they like it. Make regular, pressure-free, positive connections as often as possible.

What if it goes wrong?

Even the smallest connections can go wrong for seemingly tiny reasons. What’s most important here is that it’s acknowledged. Even better, that you own it and apologise, even if you “haven’t done anything wrong” in the general scheme of things. For example, “I’m sorry I didn’t use your favourite plate for your toast. I didn’t know it was important to you. I know now, and next time I will try very hard to remember to use the right plate. Let’s find it, and put your toast on there now. Do you need fresh toast?” This in itself can actually aid with the trust building process (note: I do not recommend failing intentionally breaking trust in order to do this!).

When To Tackle the Big Stuff

If “the big stuff” is sitting in your head, and residing as the elephant in the room, it will likely take longer to successfully overcome. If you can let go of the interactions that currently seem impossible, and continue to build your relationship of trust, each challenge will naturally become more and more significant until you find yourself able to help your child attack their problems as well as anyone else. Or even better!

First Things First

If you’re finding the smallest first step keeps backfiring, it’s quite possible you’re overlooked the most important part.

Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your child?

If you don’t believe that you are both doing your best, and that a successful trusting relationship is an eventual possibility, it will be difficult to even begin this journey together.

Give yourself credit for all you’ve done so far, forgive yourself for mistakes, and know your child will do the best they can.

And have fun!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to top