A Sense of Security: the Magic Key

Developing a sense of security can prevent or repair so much of what people feel is difficult about neurodivergence. There are a number of traits of neurodivergencies that are tough – for the neurodivergent person, and sometimes for the people around them too. But so many of the trickier aspects of many neurodivergences are not traits of the neurotype itself, but an expression of distress. We have talked about this so many times in articles at More Than Quirky. We have also talked about the importance of safety, security, and trust. So how can improving a child’s sense of security decrease the negative elements of their neurodivergent experience, and yours?

A Disability of Trust

“For the vast majority of people on the spectrum, autism can be best understood as a disability of trust. Because of their neurological challenges, people with autism face tremendous obstacles of three kinds: trusting their body, trusting the world around them, and—most challenging of all—trusting other people. 

– Barry M. Prizant, Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism

While this quote is specific to the autistic experience, it can be applied to so many other neurodivergencies. People with a major depressive disorder are less likely to suffer if they feel they have someone they can talk to about their feelings without judgement, criticism, toxic positivity, or the contempt of “But that’s not something to be that sad about,” or “Not this again!”. ADHDers are less reactive and present fewer behavioural difficulties if they aren’t feeling attacked or judged for their differences. People with learning disorders are more likely to improve their skills with practice; but trying in the first place is significantly easier if they trust the person helping them won’t laugh, mock, tease, pity, or be impatient.

Meltdowns, shutdowns, aggression, unwillingness to try, and disruptive behaviours are primarily signs that a neurodivergent child is not having needs met, whilst living on the receiving end of hurtful (intentional or otherwise) responses to their natural behaviours. Improving responses to tricky situations can improve your child’s sense of safety, and reduce their distrust in the world.

What does this achieve?

Bravery

A child who trusts that they won’t be ridiculed for finding something difficult, or getting it wrong, is more likely to attempt it.

Resilience

Not in the awful way that “being resilient” has been thrown around in recent years as a goal for neurodivergent children. Genuinely. Finding something difficult or impossible, and feeling motivated to try again or investigate other approaches.

Healthy Guilt Instead of Shame

If, due to their neurodivergence, a child struggles with impulse control and says something in anger, this can be responded to in a way that supports the notion of safety and trust. Anger, retaliation, criticism, or punishment, will not encourage a sense of security. Calm, patience, and expression of hurt and needs such as, “When you call me names it hurts my feelings. I need you to remember I love you, and that it is okay to feel angry but not okay to take that anger out on other people,” is more likely to reinforce the idea that your child is safe and loved even if some of their behaviours aren’t appreciated.

A child who doesn’t feel secure is likely to either lash out further, or feel shame. Thoughts – sometimes even words – like, “I’m a bad person,” or “You don’t love me anymore,” or “I’m useless.” These don’t resolve the situation for the child or the person they’ve hurt, and makes it more difficult for the child to regulate and reduce difficult behaviours.

A child who feels safe, and has been guided appropriately through what responsibility and repair looks like, is more likely to respond to this with healthy guilt. This often sounds or looks like an apology. “I’m sorry”, a hug, helping you clean up, etc.

Seeking Comfort

When a child feels secure, they are more likely to reach out for supportive measures. For some people this is an independent approach like saying, “I need to go and have some time to myself.” For others it is a (verbal or physical) request for a hug, a snack, time together, or another form of coregulation. Some children know they need something, but aren’t aware what this is. And yet with a strong sense of security are still able to say, “I need help but I don’t know what that is,” and allow you to work it out with them.

How to Build Trust and Security

Developing a strong sense of safety and security is a long game. If it’s not something you currently have, it isn’t something you can decide you want to develop and expect to have achieved a week later. Sure, in some cases, this might happen! But more often than not, improving a child’s sense of trust in you, their environment, and their community, takes a long time.

Patience

While there might be an underlying feeling of, “You are so safe with me! Why don’t you act like you feel safe?!” it is important that your child isn’t aware of this. In fact, it is best that they don’t even know you need to feel patient! They need to simply perceive that you are patient, and always will be. That there is no deadline for them to feel safe or act any differently.

Consistency

I remember once reading a post from a parent that said they’d been trying to resolve an issue, and had adopted various strategies but none had worked. It ended with something along the lines of, “It’s been a week, and we’ve tried everything!”

Taking any approach with your child, especially when it comes to something like developing trust, being consistent in itself produces a sense of security. Allowing your child to feel that they know what’s coming next is huge. Knowing that if they’re angry, you won’t get angry back. That if your feelings are hurt, they won’t be met with emotional withdrawal or a guilt trip. Knowing there you are not going to shout or be intimidating. Knowing that if they ask for a hug, you will say yes.

This takes time.

Honesty & Repair

As parents and teachers are also human, it’s virtually impossible to ensure that you are 100% consistent. You are almost certain to get distracted, be exhausted, feel overwhelmed, or momentarily lose control of your own behaviours.

Do not make excuses.

Don’t blame your child, or work, or being tired.

Be honest, take responsibility, and fix it. Tell them you did the wrong thing, and that you’re sorry. Let them know why, provided it isn’t blaming anyone else. Check in with them. 

What does this sound like? “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have raised my voice at you. When you shouted at me, my feelings were hurt, and I lashed out. That’s not okay, and next time I’ll keep my cool or take a minute to chill out before I respond to you. I’m sorry I shouted. Are you okay?”

Walk the Talk

Sit and chat about trust. Remind them they are loved as often as possible. Tell them you’re proud of them, even if it’s for something that you feel shouldn’t be needed in the first place, like apologising for hitting you. 

Let them know there’s nothing they could do that would stop you from loving them.

If they do the wrong thing, do what you can to express concern for them before correction or complaint.

If they do the wrong thing, check that they know it was the wrong thing, and that they know what a better alternative would be next time.

And do the things you say! You’ve told your child they need to regulate and use their words instead of throwing their toys. Then they observe you slamming things around the kitchen as you make dinner because you’re angry about work. Well, that not only makes you seem like a hypocrite, it makes it hard for them to trust you. It also makes it hard for them to trust that the advice you’ve given them really is the best. Surely if it was, you’d be doing it yourself, right?

Where Do I Begin?

If there are specific issues around trust that you’re finding it hard to overcome, if you don’t seem to building the sense of security you’re hoping for, or if you don’t know where to start after years of dysregulation and uncertainty, please reach out to More Than Quirky for help.