Opening Christmas Gifts

When people speak of the true spirit of generosity, they talk about selflessness and the act of giving without expecting anything in return. That’s the moral high ground, right? It’s what we teach our kids. It’s what we praise and aspire to. So why is it that so many adults harshly judge children who open gifts at Christmas or on birthdays, and don’t respond in a particular way? Why are neurodivergent kids with traits such as situational mutism, social differences, impulse dysfunction, and sensory overwhelm, criticised for not looking happy or grateful enough, or not saying thank you in the neuronormative way? Aren’t those same kids told they should give without expecting reciprocation?

​​Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything.

– Katharine Hepburn

What Does It Look Like?

Every child is different, neurotypical or neurodivergent. The way they respond to receiving a gift will differ based on their personality, upbringing, abilities, weariness, enthusiasm, and many other factors.

Some of the stereotypical responses from neurodivergent kids that can trigger adults include:

• Not saying thank you
• Not opening the gift
• Stating an unloaded (to them) fact about the gift that isn’t seen as diplomatic, such as “I already have one of these”, “I don’t like red”, or “My friend says dolls are only for little kids”, etc.
• Opening the gift, then immediately putting it down and doing something else such as opening another gift or playing with a different gift.
• Getting upset about the gift, including saying something hurtful like, “I hate these!”, “I didn’t want [this gift]; I told you to get me [other gift]!” or “You are so stupid if you think I’m ever going to wear this!”
• Playing with the gift in a way that damages it
• Wanting to open their gifts away from other people, and not talk about what they received

Understanding

Whether or not the expectation to say thank you and act overjoyed with their gift is hypocritical and unreasonable or not, it can help reduce judgement if people understanding why the differences exist in the first place. Let’s look at some of the more likely candidates:

Overwhelm and Distraction

If a child is prone to being distracted or inattentive in the first place, Christmas time amps this up in a major way. Similarly, if a child is sensitive to overwhelm, Christmas is, well… Christmas can be massively overwhelming for even the most regulated of neurotypical people! So what are we expecting of sensitive kids here?

Factors that can play into this include:

• increased sensory input (lights, music, food smells, sounds of wrapping paper, toy noises, increased chatter and background noise from visitors)
• disruption to routine
• change in diet, such as increased sugar intake, reduced regularity of fruit or vegetables, and potential dehydration. The latter can occur more easily over breaks from school when drinking water is not as constant a part of the daily routine, and when temperatures are more extreme (in either direction, depending on where you are in the world)
• anticipation and excitement around gifts and the outcome of the day

Being Literal

When medical professionals say that many autistic people are literal, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they can’t understand puns or idioms (though for some people, this is the case). More often than not it’s what I recently described to my husband as there “not being anything between the lines”.

When we tell people to read between the lines, we are asking them to read into what is being said. For example, an autistic child opening a gift then saying, “I asked for a red hat,” would likely be inferred by a neurotypical person to mean, “I’m disappointed in the blue hat you have given me, because I wanted the red one”. 

As most neurotypical people in regular society are not only adept at this, but assume it as a normal way of interpreting information, they often adapt their own language to prevent misunderstandings in inferences. A neurotypical person in that same situation might say, “I love it! I didn’t know you could get these in blue! I’m so glad you got me this instead of the red one I asked for; this is so much nicer!”

But when it comes down to it, an autistic child saying, “I asked for a red hat,” may well mean precisely the same thing the neurotypical person has expressed. It is the neurotypical person in this conversation who is reading into the statement, making things up about the autistic child’s intentions and meaning. They did ask for a red hat!

For many autistic people who are considered “literal”, it simply means they say what they mean. And hear the words you say as the words others say, without reading into it things neurotypical people assume they’ll infer. Assume they are implying.

Neurotypical people can “read between the lines” because many of their comments are jam-packed with implications, hints, passive-aggression, compliments, and unspoken requests. The space between those lines is bulging with additional information!

Autistic people who are “literal” generally have nice clean white space between their own lines, and therefore assume the same of others.¹

Processing Differences

Many neurodivergencies include the trait of having different ways of processing information. This can include delays in neurological/information processing and/or auditory processing, and difficulties with working memory.

Alexithymia is a neurodivergence that often occurs alongside other common neurodivergencies including personality disorders, ADHD, and autism. It is when a person experiences difficulties interpreting, identifying, and/or expressing emotions.

Interoception disorders also commonly occur with other neurodivergent traits, which means a person has difficulty interpreting their own internal signals as indications of needs. While this is often discussed in relation to basic needs like hunger or thirst, it can also apply to emotions with the person necessarily experiencing alexithymia. A person with an interoception disorder may misinterpret a physical response to an emotion, for example a knotted stomach due to anxiety, as a physical problem such as a stomach ache. Of course, some emotional experiences can also genuinely manifest as physical illness or pain, adding to this complication!

A child who opens a gift, and experiences any or all of these traits, might be experiencing something like:

• Not immediately understanding what the gift is and not wanting to appear rude or stupid by asking
• Not remembering whether they’d asked for the one they’ve received, or another one they thought they asked for, and focusing on trying to untangle this confusion rather than acknowledging the gift
• Taking longer than the average person to recognise what they think or feel about the gift
• Feeling excited, but not knowing that’s what they’re experiencing and therefore not expressing it in the expected way. In many accounts, the internal “good feelings” can be just as fulfilling and positive, even if not able to be recognised as good at the time or expressed externally
• Overthinking or reworking scripts in response to the gift, and having this thought process interrupted by a negative or corrective comment (“Don’t you like it?”, “Say thank you to your aunt”, etc) which prevents delivery of the positive intended response. A child who is anxious about saying or doing the wrong thing might prepare a script in advance, then need to modify their plan for each person. For example: Open gift, smile, lift gift from paper, smile at person who gave it, say, “Thank you [name]!” and add “I love the [gift]!” if they like their present.

The lack of response from a child who has opened a gift can simply be a delay, in either the child’s own understanding of the situation, or their expression or communication towards others. It isn’t rude. It’s just not as fast as people are expecting.

RSD

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria can rear its ugly head very easily during the Christmas period. It is not a choice. It is not a child being overly sensitive. And it is not selfish or spoilt behaviour.

Behaviours you might observe at Christmas that appear negative might actually be the result of RSD. Consciously or otherwise, a child might experience this as hurt, anger, sadness, etc, from:

• Perceiving a sibling’s gift as better than theirs; bigger, more expensive, something they’d have preferred, etc
• Someone they value giving them something they really don’t like, resulting in a feeling of the gift-giver not seeing them, not knowing them, or not really caring enough to put in the effort to get them something they’d like
• Not receiving a gift from someone they thought they would
• Receiving fewer gifts that others, and feeling undervalued
• Not having a gift to open at a time that everyone else in the room is opening a gift, and feeling left out
• Inferring that a sibling likes their gifts more than they feel that they like their own, and being envious, wanting that dopamine-rich feeling
• Putting a lot of effort into the creation or selection of a gift, and the recipient not appearing to notice or care
• Getting their hopes up about a particular item on their wishlist and being disappointed

PDA

If your child is demand avoidant, whether that’s full-blown PDA, or a lower key resistance to being controlled (or perceived to be controlled), gratitude can be a tricky situation. “Say thank you to Mrs Smith,” can instantly result in an inability to, even if that was the child’s feeling and intention all along.

Using declarative language, particularly ahead of actually hitting the situation, can be useful. “It’s really lovely to say thank you when someone gives you a gift, because it makes them feel happy,” gives your child the option to:

• Know they have the power to make someone else happy if they’d like to
• That saying thank you is seen as a lovely thing to do
• Choose whether or not to do this independent, without it being a decision of acquiescing or conforming versus autonomy
• Not feel judged as “not lovely” if they don’t do it

That said, if you are using declarative language to drop hints (eg, “You shoes are next to the door,” rather than “Can you please put on your school shoes immediately because we need to leave for school in five minutes?”) you cannot expect your child to read between the lines (see above) and be offended or upset when they don’t!

Telling them it’s lovely to say thank you is telling them that saying thank you is a lovely thing to do. It is not telling them you therefore expect it of them, or that you really hope they’ll be lovely, or that they are lovely and therefore this is an act you would expect them to demonstrate.

Don’t forget, it would also be accurate for someone to say to you, “It would be lovely if you donated more money to charity every week,” or “It would be lovely if you mowed the neighbour’s lawn and did their laundry for them”. It would be lovely! It doesn’t mean it’s expected, or it’s a likely act, or something anyone should judge you for not doing. Why use the same language towards your child, and judge them differently?

If you know you’re dealing with a demand avoidant child, and you tell them to do something (eg, “Say thanks…”), then any issue that follows is on you.

If you’re using declarative language, and you feel frustrated that they’re not “taking the hint” and doing what you wanted, then that emotion is yours to sit with and not theirs to repair for.

Executive Function

Many neurodivergent people who could, and even would, express gratitude if opening a gift in person, might fail to do so if opening the gift away from the giver.

Executive dysfunction can often cause major glitches in situations like this, despite best intentions, feelings for the other person, gratitude for the generosity, or a desire to make the other person feel appreciated. Issues that can make this so difficult include:

• Forgetting to make note of who gave which gift (and who gave a gift!), and therefore losing track of who to thank for what
• The number of steps involved in writing a thank you note and sending it within a reasonable timeframe
• Remembering that you need to say thank you, or that you haven’t
• Recalling, when you see someone next, that it was something you mean to raise with them; and then feeling weird about thanking them for something from December when you see them in March, when you’ve already seen them in January and February. This sort of thing is a major hiccup for me personally. One of my best friends and I have something like two photos with both of us in it from the almost 20 years of our friendship, because I always forget to get one. Usually the message I send after we’ve seen each other is, “It was SO good to see you! Love you so much! I can’t believe we forgot to take a photo again…”

Another issue heavily related to this is an underlying sense of perfectionism that can come with high-masking neurodivergent people, as well as an exaggerated sense of justice. If a person experiencing this hasn’t found the time, spoons, and executive function to write thank you letters to all the people they wanted to, they might not send the ones they have written out of fairness to the people who would miss out, or they might feel they have failed the overall task of “Writing Thank You Letters” and as such throw out anything seen as an attempt at this tasks, despite the fact they were successful approaches to a series of smaller tasks.

Tone and Interpretation

If people expect neurotypical behaviours from neurodivergent people, I don’t really think the issue here is the neurodivergent person behaving like *gasp* a neurodivergent person.

If a child receives a gift and they hug it, play with it, show others, carry it around with them, put it in their drawer of special things, share it with a favourite person, etc, they are demonstrating that they like it. Aunt Freda’s need to hear the words “I really love it!” is Aunt Freda’s problem.

A child who in known for being honest and also known to have limited vocal expression says, “Thank you, it’s really pretty,” in a non-expressive way, then the gift-giver has received both gratitude, and a compliment for the gift they’ve chosen. If Cousin Lewis wants to be demanding and also expect the line to be delivered in the way they’d do it, then that’s Cousin Lewis’s problem.

A smile is gratitude. A hug is gratitude. “Thanks” is gratitude. Pebbling is gratitude.

Holding neurodivergent people to neuronormative standards is setting everyone up for a fall.

How Can I Help?

A few potential solutions or alternatives have been mentioned throughout the article, but if you want some extra ways to avoid the ick around opening gifts at Christmas time, consider:

• Pre-writing thank you letters in November or early December from people likely to send gifts, so your child can write the gift on the letter as they open the gift on Christmas Day. Letters, done!
• Open presents in short bursts, rather than in a big gift opening session. Even do family gift opening before the extended family visits, and open any gifts they deliver once they have left. Alternatively, allow your child to open their gifts in another room if they’d like to (do not send them elsewhere to send their gifts for others’ comfort!)
• Speaking on their behalf, without acting like the child isn’t there, for example, “Look at how much she’s snuggling that bear. I think loves it! Thank you.”
• Letting anyone who doesn’t know your child well, or really only knows the regulated or masked version, who will be joining you for Christmas any of the hurdles you might face around this and how you want/need them to respond. This could be, for example, “They probably won’t react if they open your gift while you’re here because that requires far too many spoons to do repeatedly, and it’s already a really exciting and stimulating day so they need as many spoons in reserve as possible,” or “Just so you know, we’re not going to open the kids’ presents from the extended family while everyone is here, but I’ll call you on Boxing Day to tell you about it!” or “If they have a meltdown, it isn’t a personal attack on anyone, and I’d love you to just let me deal with it. Please don’t talk about it afterwards, whether you think they can hear or not, or read anything into it.” Also, if your child is one of the literal kiddos mentioned above, remind people to be clear with any requests of your child, and that if they assume anything negative about your child to be curious instead of judgemental or offended.
• Ensure that your child does know the neuronormative approach, in case that’s what they want to do. Letting your child know what would make someone feel appreciated when they give a gift, and giving them the opportunity to do that thing if they want to and can, is empowering. This is not the same as suggesting they mask, or “learn” neurotypical social skills. It is not the same as telling them it’s a goal or expectation or a better way of doing things. All people have the ability to choose whether to do the thing they want or the thing they know would make someone else most comfortable or happy; for some reason society tends to expect neurodivergent people to opt for the latter far more than they would a neurotypical person. Do we expect every person to share their lunch at work because someone else says it smells amazing? No. So if neurotypical social skills are a choice that comes with a cost, why do so many people act like neurodivergent people not choosing this option is a failing? 
• Similarly, modelling behaviours may allow them to develop a genuine empathetic understanding of how they can positively impact on others. If your child has a noticeable love language, and you generally don’t acknowledge it, they might perceive this as the norm. If, however, every time they show you a pretty rock they found you engage, show interest, and thank them for showing you something that you know means a lot to them, then they learn. They understand what engagement and gratitude feels like for the recipient. And then giving this to someone else is not a theoretical approach. It mightn’t be what they would want in that situation, but they know what it might feel like and can base their decision on a desire to gift this feeling to others.

Gifts: Act Of Kindness Or Request For Validation?

If people aren’t giving gifts as an act of generosity, then what are they seeking?

Often it’s a disguised play for validation or recognition. Am I getting things right with my nephew? Does my sister think I’m a good aunty? Do my nieces like me? Am I loved?

So while gifts really should be given with no expectation for return, try to perceive anyone behaving negatively around the response to their gift, as having an unmet need. See if you can discern what’s missing, and, if they are someone you care about (even if it takes a moment to remember this because you’re feeling angry about them criticising your child!), see if you can meet that need without blaming, changing, criticsing, or disparaging your child.

Christmas is a tricky time for a lot of people, for many reasons. Most of the time this isn’t your problem. But sometimes you can choose to contribute towards making it better anyway.

1. For what it’s worth, this is me. I love witty wordplay, puns, neologisms, jokes, and many forms of literature that require a reasonable amount of interpretation to understand such as metaphysical poetry. Yet when I speak to other humans, I hear what they say based on their words, body language, facial expressions, and tone; I’m rubbish at even remembering to look between the lines, let alone interpreting it correctly. As a result, apparently flirting with me is an unrewarding nightmare, and I have frustrated many people who have tried to be diplomatic with negative feedback by talking around it (I hear the positive things they’re actually saying, and don’t always realise they’re asking me to improve something). Similarly, I can feel quite frustrated and unheard when someone asks how I am, and I tell them, and they don’t acknowledge my answer or engage.
   
   I’m also the person who is shocked and sad when I offend someone because of things they have made up about what I’ve said. It can be so frustrated to receive a negative response, even accusing you of something awful, when it’s not something you have said or done in the first place.
   
   I think this is going to require its own article… ↩︎