Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky

Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

More Than Quirky logo with Infinity symbol blending with the Q

Quirky Infinity logo Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation

A child waiting at a school gate for another child who is running in

Not Refusing: School Can’t

School Can’t is still generally known as School Refusal in political, medical, and educational circles, unfortunately. However the understanding is that children who experience this are not refusing to go to school, or refusing to try. They simply can’t. Your child can’t do it easily. They can’t even try without immense effort. And often they can’t go at all.

What is School Can’t?

School refusal is a type of school attendance problem characterised by a child or young person’s emotional distress at attending school. It differs from other forms of school attendance problems in terms of the distress experienced, and in that parents and carers typically know about their child’s absence from school and have tried to get them to attend. This distinguishes school refusal from truancy (where parents or carers are often unaware of their child’s absence), school withdrawal (where parents may support or encourage their child to stay home), and school exclusion (which stems from school-based decisions).

https://www.aph.gov.au/About_Parliament/Parliamentary_departments/Parliamentary_Library/pubs/rp/rp2223/SchoolRefusal

While School Can’t is estimated to impact 1-5% of the school population, the number of these children who are neurodivergent – particularly autistic and/or ADHDers – is statistically high.

Post-COVID

The occurrence of School Can’t has increased since the COVID-19 pandemic. Some theories as to why this is the case include:

  • Neurodivergent children feeling authentic and safe at home, but are now out of practice / unwilling / disinterested in masking at school
  • Appreciation of accommodations and flexibility found at home during homeschooling
  • Bundling school and extracurricular activities as being a single cause of feeling too busy, burning too many spoons, being exhausted
  • Increased anxiety and discomfort regarding social interaction due to:
  • Constant messaging about social distancing for safety reasons making children feel that being close to others is “unsafe” in general
  • Lack of recent experience with regular social interaction, therefore a fear of making mistakes, uncertainty about social norms, fewer consistent expectations amongst peers
  • Being out of practice and feeling awkward around norms such as conversation, turn-taking, physical proximity, sharing, manners, etc
  • Reduced experience; if everyone suddenly started conversing 5cm from each other’s faces it would feel too close. For children who had crucial years of development without much face-to-face interaction, and lots of social distancing, being as close to others as is normal can feel too close
  • Being different; many children have developed interests and hobbies outside of the conformist norm, so are less likely to fall into cliques based on commonalities

We would also like to state that this is not a new problem that has come about due to the COVID 19 pandemic. School can’t has always been a significant and ongoing issue for autistic and otherwise neurodivergent girls and young people, and their families. These are complex issues but we hope to break down the barriers and stereotypes that tend to place blame at the feet of families and students.

Yellow Ladybugs Submission: Inquiry into School Refusal: https://www.yellowladybugs.com.au/Content/Resources/SchoolRefusal.pdf

The Australian Government held an Inquiry into School Refusal in 2023, and has rolled out school-based programs such as Every School Day Counts. This initiative is really useful for raising concerns, flagging the importance of attendance, and ensuring that lack of attendance isn’t due to parental negligence or abuse, family problems, untreated health issues, or other factors that require parents to “fix”. If executed correctly, the framework is beneficial to all involved, and offers compassion to both the student and their parents.

Possible Influences

There are a number of factors that might play into School Can’t including:

  • Bullying
  • Mental health concerns including depression and anxiety
  • Psychosomatic illnesses such headaches and poor gut health
  • Genuine physical co-occurrences such as fatigue from EDS, making it hard to find the energy to face school
  • Learning difficulties or differences
  • Teachers who aren’t neuroaffirming, or who haven’t received adequate training in neurodivergence
  • Clashing with a teacher
  • Difficulties with parents
  • Common ND difficulties such as fear of failure, perfectionism, executive dysfunction, PDA, complications around transitions, and more
  • Separation anxiety

How Can I Help?

Questions

First things first, as always… as your child! Do they know why they can’t go to school? You’ll be amazed how often your child is able to say something very tangible to fix, “We rush and stress so much in the mornings that by the time we get to school I’m out of energy.” or “There’s a kid in my class who shouts a lot and it makes me scared.”

If they don’t know what the problem is, see if you can build a picture between the two of you:

  • What are their favourite things about school?
  • If they could wave a magic wand to make some parts of school disappear, what would those be?
  • What makes them happiest at school?
  • What makes them mad?
  • What makes them sad?

Emotion Mapping

Sometimes School Can’t seems illogical because they seem fine in the morning until suddenly they aren’t. 

Try mapping out their feelings over the stages of a morning.

Example Map

For example, write out the usual steps from the beginning until they reach the school gate. However, be aware that your experience or observation might be a little light:

  • Wake up
  • Toilet
  • Breakfast
  • Get dressed
  • Pack bag
  • Go to school

Detailed Map

  • Dad wakes them up, and makes them get out of bed immediately
  • They go to the toilet then walk alone to the kitchen
  • They make their breakfast
  • They start to eat their breakfast
  • Mum tells them to hurry up
  • They finish breakfast and get dressed
  • Mum helps with buttons and zippers
  • Dad reminds them to clear their breakfast plate
  • Dad makes lunches
  • Mum says to stop playing, and to brush teeth
  • Mum gets cross that they’re still playing and says to brush teeth
  • They brush teeth
  • They pack bag
  • Dad points out they haven’t done their hair
  • Mum and Dad disappear to finish getting themselves ready
  • Mum gets cross that they haven’t done their hair
  • Dad does their hair
  • Mum says to put on shoes
  • They say they can’t
  • Mum says they must put on their shoes
  • They put on their shoes
  • Dad says they’re running late
  • Mum tells them to get in the car
  • Dad waits until they’re out of the garage to ask if they have their school bag
  • Mum gets cross they don’t have their school bag and goes to get it
  • Drive to school
  • Mum and child get out of the car at school. Then Dad says “Bye” and drives away
  • Child can’t walk through the gate

Even just reading that gives a hint as to why a child might already be dysregulated, exhausted, feel unheard, or have a basic understanding that people aren’t going to be supporting them or meeting their needs. And that’s from people who love them, nurture them, and are very supportive during meltdowns or selective eating, etc. So how can they expect a teacher to act more caring?

Adding Emotions

Now map out some emotions. Ensure this is done with your child, without leading them. Use a Junto emotions wheel or something similar if your child needs assistance.

Dad wakes them up and makes them get out of bed immediatelyRushed, stressed, cold, surprised
They go to the toilet and then walk alone to the kitchenLonely
They make their breakfastLonely, tired, confused, hungry
They start to eat their breakfastHappy, calm
Mum tells them to hurry upStressed, sad, defensive, hurt, angry
They finish breakfast and get dressedContent, focused, cold
Mum helps with buttons and zippersFrustrated, judged
Dad reminds them to clear their breakfast plateAnnoyed, frustrated, criticised
Dad makes lunchesHappy, annoyed (Dad is packing the food they’ve already said they don’t like), excited
Mum says to stop playing and brush teethDisrupted, cross
Mum gets cross that they’re still playing and says to brush teethSad, defensive, angry
They brush teethOverwhelmed, itchy
They pack bagCalm
Dad points out they haven’t done their hairAnnoyed, frustrated
Mum and Dad disappear to finish getting themselves readyLonely, lost, confused
Mum gets cross that they haven’t done their hairHurt, angry
Dad does their hairGrateful, pain
Mum says to put on shoesStressed (knowing this rarely goes well)
They say they can’tFrustrated, angry (because parents keep asking even though they can rarely do this easily)
Mum says they must put on their shoesAngry
They put on their shoesResentful, lonely
Dad says they’re running lateStressed
Mum tells them to get in the carControlled
Dad waits until they’re out of the garage to ask if they have their school bagAnnoyed, disappointed (in self), hurt, irritated
Mum gets cross they don’t have their school bag and goes to get itSad, criticised, useless
Drive to schoolAnxious
Mum and child get out of the car at school and Dad says “Bye” and drives awayScared, sad (would love a hug from Dad)
Child can’t walk through the gateSchool Can’t

Assessing the Emotion Map

There are so many minor changes that could be made here to prevent or repair the majority of these negative feelings, particularly if your child is empowered to communicate, express needs, and share feelings. The fewer negatives that are experienced before School Can’t hits, the more likely it will hit with less force if at all. Perhaps they will even manage to get to school perfectly well, and school itself will trigger School Can’t later in the day… in which case, the same strategy can be applied to the school day.

Strategies for Home and School

Any approaches to resolve School Can’t need to be neuroaffirming, trauma-informed, and a shared decision making process.

Use of social stories can help your child process the day before it hits, and feedback on these social stories from your child might give you insight as to what you or their teacher isn’t seeing.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help some children.

Specific strategies to discuss with their teacher include:

  • Making sure all plans and communications sit with one person, so student, parents, teacher, and support staff are always on the same page. A consistent, amendable approach is key
  • Ensuring their teacher(s) actively kindly says hello and goodbye to them by name every day, so your child knows they are seen, and can feel safe in this person’s care
  • Staggering the times they start or end school, increasing the time at school gradually
  • Priorisiting attendance at, and engagement with, subjects that the child is interested in or confident doing
  • In the short term, make relational engagement (with school in general, teachers, peers, etc) of equal importance to performance outcomes (behavioural, academic, etc), with recognition and praise
  • Options to complete classwork elsewhere, whether this is working on the floor instead of at a desk, in a play tent in the back of the classroom, or even in the library or another class
  • Increased communication strategies for your child, such as flash cards, writing notes to their teacher, or “secret codes” like the teacher knowing if the child puts their eraser on the corner of their desk then they need a break. The teacher can ask them to take a note to the office, etc.

The Extreme Cases

Some children experience such extreme School Can’t that strategies and CBT don’t give the pause they need to readapt to school. This might be a relatively short term thing, where they need a break from regular education to reset before they can return. For others, the standard school setting just doesn’t work for them.

There are alternative school options that suit some children better, such as autism-specific schools, schools for kids with additional needs, or even different styles of education such as Montessori. However, this is entirely a case by case situation, and some kids will find these situations even more overwhelming than their original option.

Some children will cope better with a home-based experience such as homeschooling or distance education.

First Steps

Talk to your child. Then talk to your child’s teacher, ideally in a semi-official setting where needs, differences, and strategies can be formally recorded; including your school’s Head of Wellbeing, or LaST can also be very helpful. Discuss the plan and the goals with your child.

Praise them endlessly for all successes. A quick, “I was so proud of how easily you went to school this morning! Let me know if there’s anything you need from me to help you feel that way again tomorrow,” over dinner can make a huge impact on the next day.

Be flexible, communicate constantly, and always remember that this is not your child refusing. This is your child struggling. Meet them with the same compassion you would want if you were struggling to achieve something hard.

First published June 2024.

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