Emotional Dysregulation

When it comes to emotional dysregulation, there are many ways to communicate with children about this. There are many methods for helping them regulate (including some suggestions below). We use numerous strategies to teach our kids to recognise their feelings, in order to process them more appropriately.

An emotionally dysregulated child can be exhausting. They can be hurtful – physically, mentally, and emotionally – and they can ruin special events. An emotionally dysregulated child can feel like an immense burden.

But let’s flip this around.

If you’re neurotypical, or a neurodivergent person who doesn’t experience significant or frequent emotional dysregulation, trying to understand what this feels like might assist in your ability to empathise.

It isn’t a choice

As we have discussed regarding many neurodivergent traits, it is crucial to remember that it is not intentional. Your child is not doing this to you. It is not even something they are doing to themselves. It is something that is happening to them.

Emotional dysregulation can be caused by all kinds of triggers. Some are obvious, like fighting, exhaustion or hunger. Others are less clear. Some autistic children can be easily dysregulated by a change in routine, unfavourable weather, or uncertainty. Rejection sensitive dysphoria, PDA, and other profiles, are also frequently responsible for emotional dysregulation.

What it looks like

Emotional dysregulation presents in many different ways.

For some children it is as obvious as a meltdown or shutdown. It can be “difficult” behaviour. What appears to be anger, refusal, aggression, or even hatred.

For others, it can simply look like being a bit off kilter.

Other signs of emotional dysregulation can include:

• Whining
• Increased non-aggressive PDA such as lying on the floor next to their school uniform, saying it’s going to take too long to get it on. Not actively resisting doing it, but expressing discontent about the situation.
• Being unsettled, unable to focus on any tasks, unsure what to do next.
• Increased sensory overstimulation. Choosing to be naked because all clothes are irritating. Not wanting to get out of pyjamas because they’re comfortable and predictable. Only wanting to eat the safest of safe foods.
• Excess energy – even happy energy – sometimes perceived as hyperactivity
• Mismatching reactions, like laughing at something sad, crying when hungry, or getting angry at something kind.

What it feels like

While many parents can describe what their child looks like when experiencing emotional dysregulation, not nearly as many can begin to explain how their child feels. Many name emotions, such as anger, jealousy, or sadness. They do not empathise with the physiological and psychological implications of feeling dysregulated.

For some people it can feel like…

• Not being able to breathe properly
• A tight chest, even accompanied by pain
• Itchy skin, or having bugs crawling under the skin
• Severe brain fog, an inability to think or focus
• Repetitive and intrusive thoughts, including reliving the trigger moment repeatedly
• Physical pain, particularly in the gut, legs, or back
• Having a scream trapped inside your body
• A desire to lash out and break something, or hurt someone (including themselves)
• Being incredibly confused
• A total lack of control, combined with a desperate need for control
• Restlessness, never feeling settled or content, wanting to run away
• Complete isolation and abandonment

How You Can Help

An emotionally dysregulated child does not need disciplining. They need to be kept safe, and to be made to feel safe.

• If you caused the dysregulation, even accidentally or with good intentions, apologise. You can discuss justifications or reasons later, when your child is feeling safe again.
• Stay calm. Focus on love, and kindness, and try to keep your own emotions in check. Losing your temper will only exacerbate things. If you are struggling to keep your cool, or are even emotionally dysregulated yourself, ensure your child is safe and remove yourself from the situation until you are able to bring to the situation what is needed.
• If your child is physically lashing out, keep yourself safe. Ensure they are physically safe. Remind them gently that hurting people is not okay.
• Offer physical comfort, and give wholeheartedly if accepted. Do not use this opportunity to discuss their behaviour! If accepted, these hugs need to be nothing but comfort, calm, love, and occasionally lightheartedness.
• If your child is calm enough, ask them if they can name the feelings they are experiencing. Interoception disorders such as alexithymia may complicate this. Support resources such as emotions posters or cards matching facial expressions or colours to emotions can help, particularly with children who experience situational mutism.
• As emotional dysregulation can be down to other interoceptive issues such as hunger, offer a snack or drink.
• Offer a favourite toy, or safe activity. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with including screens in this approach. Sometimes playing on a tablet is exactly the security and regulation a neurodivergent child needs.
• Ask them if they want to talk through what happened. This might be difficult to listen to, as it might be seemingly trivial, or even appear to be their own fault. This is not the point at this stage; what they need is validation.

In short, all children… no, all people… need empathy. Not sympathy, empathy. Let go of whether you like your child’s behaviour. Ignore whether you think their reaction is logical or reasonable. Focus on the fact your child is upset, and give them the same compassion you’d want if you were equally upset. Give them the empathy and love they need to get through it.