Autistic Women and Violence: A Threat to Our Safety
“Autistic female risk of being sexually assaulted is between two and three times as much than non-autistic females and about four times as much than autistic males.”
– National Women’s Safety Alliance, Submission on the National Autism Strategy
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. This day exists to raise awareness of the scale and nature of violence perpetrated against women around the world, including rape, domestic violence, restrictions, and all other forms of violence. Autistic women are at much higher risk of being victims of violence than allistic women. This is not a fact that autistic girls are often exposed to, or prepared for. Being aware of these risks, and preparing your daughter for adulthood, could dramatically reduce the likelihood of them being a victim.
Forms of Violence
Violence takes many forms, particularly against women. Most people are aware of physical assault, and sexual violence including rape. These are also covered by domestic violence when they occur in the context of a relationship. Domestic violence also includes violence related to acquiring a spouse.
Violence against women also includes non-consensual body modification, sexual initiation rites, honour killings, infanticide, abandonment, restrictions around menstruation, forced pregnancy/abortion/sterilisation.
Abusive behaviours towards women that are often considered a form of violence include financial abuse, emotional abuse, restrictions around freedom of movement, control of dress, and control around sexuality.
There are many other forms of violence against women that are often overlooked, such as cyberbullying, sexualising in video games, and violent misogyny in politics, sports, education, and military.
Statistics Around Violence and Autistic Women
Violence against women is usually perpetrated by someone known to the woman. A study 20 years ago – pre #MeToo and similar movements, and before socia media, and therefore before many women were able to speak up – found that:
“According to the World Bank, gender-based violence accounts for as much death and ill-health in women aged 15–44 years as cancer, and is a greater cause of ill-health than malaria and traffic accidents combined”
Studies indicate that around 90% autistic women experience violence and/or abuse throughout their lives, compared to around 30% of the general female population.
Why The Greater Risk of Violence?
There are many reasons that autistic women are at greater risk of violence, including reduced social supports, greater likelihood of unemployment (therefore feeling reliant on spousal income), and social differences meaning they are less likely to recognise violence as abnormal or unacceptable. Some autistic women become verbally or physically violent themselves as a result of meltdowns, retaliatory abuse, self-defense, or conditions such as CPTSD; factors such as a strong sense of justice and fairness leads many autistic women to then feel they are unable to report or escape violence, and they feel hypocritical, as if they deserve it, or that they will be at risk of being prosecuted themselves.
Consequences of Abuse for Autistic Women
The consequences for autistic victims of violence are the same as the risks for all people – injury or death caused by the perpetrator, PTSD and CPTSD, mood disorders and suicide, self-harm, low self-esteem, and more.
For autistic women, additional consequences can include:
- Normalising of abusive behaviours: where violence, particularly when beginnign in childhood, is accepted as a standard behaviour, and therefore tolerated later
- Meltdowns and dysregulation
“Autistic women experience gendered forms of interpersonal violence, which are connected to inequality in accessing appropriate supports and the detrimental impacts of masking. Autistic women also face intersectional stigma associated with being both autistic and victim-survivors of interpersonal violence, which is a significant barrier to their engagement with support services. The issue of interpersonal violence and the intersectional factors that underpin this for autistic women should therefore be approached as a complex social issue rather than one of individual vulnerability.”
Prevention
So how can you help prevent, or reduce the chances of, your autistic daughter or student being a victim of violence in the future?
Awareness
Tell your daughter they are at greater risk than their allistic peers. In any walk of life, if a person knows they are at greater risk of anything, they can be more aware and alert. Whether that is a person with a genetic predisposition to a form of cancer having regular checks, people with compromised immune systems being more cautious in public spaces, or even something as simple as people who live in areas with higher crime rates being more inclined to lock their doors and be cautious when walking at night. Awareness is often the first step to avoiding dangers.
Conversation and Explicit Empowerment
Tell your daughter what is okay, and what is not. Don’t assume she knows, or that she’ll pick it up from societal cues. Particularly if some forms of violence are present from early in their lives, as is often the case for children with disabilities and differences.
This includes pointing out to your child if you observe behaviours they are victim to, or even demonstrating themselves. Reminders that shouting at their siblings isn’t okay, and that they need to walk away if they can’t manage their temper. Stepping in, and saying to your child that you didn’t like the way you saw a child treating them at a birthday party, and that if that sort of thing happens they need to tell them to stop, or come and ask for help. Practical examples can solidify lessons.
Conversations around consent are crucial, as is discussing specific strategies around this. It is one thing to say, “No-one is allowed to touch your body without your permission,” but what do they do if someone does it anyway? What if they don’t ask for permission? To some autistic people, this might not equate to a lack of permission, and they might not be sure if rules of consent apply here. How do they escape if someone is touching them in a way they aren’t comfortable with? If you’ve told them they’re not allowed to physically hurt people, and hitting or kicking is their only escape, does that mean they have to accept the violence?
It is so important to discuss exceptions to the rules, in the interest of personal safety.
There are also many misconceptions around spousal violence, by all people, that may be particularly dangerous for autistic women. These include:
That your partner does not have the right to touch you, sexually or otherwise, even if you love them, even if they’re being affectionate and kind, even if they’re doing something you were fine with only seconds earlier. You always have the right to say no.
There is a significant difference between being looked after, cared for, buffered, and accommodated, and being a victim of financial abuse and controlling behaviours. It is one thing for a spouse to say, “It’s okay, you don’t need to worry about the tax return. I know you hate doing that stuff. I’ve got it under control,” and refusing to allow you to be involved, refusing to answer questions, or disallowing you from seeing financial records or tax information. There’s a difference between being told an outfit looks fantastic, and being told you must wear a particular outfit to an event.
You can always speak up, even if it’s to ask if something is okay. On that note…
Be the Safety Net
It is so important that your daughter knows she can approach you with concerns, issues, and questions, even if she feels she’s implicating herself. Developing a relationship where your child feels supported and unjudged will allow her to know you are a safe space when she is older, and needs someone to turn to.
This doesn’t mean you always agree with what she does, and that there aren’t consequences to her actions.
For example, if your daughter comes to you to say she borrowed your favourite bracelet and lost it, you don’t have to pretend to be happy about it! You might even be devastated if it had sentimental value. And it’s okay for her to know that. PErsonally I would say it’s important for her to know that. However, you can still be a safe space if you:
- Express gratitude that she came to you and told you, rather than waiting for you to find out or ask
- Remember that your feelings are all valid, but that your behaviours are your responsibility to keep above board. If you feel you’re not completely in control, give the issue room to breathe. Only this week I said something to one of my daughters along the lines of, “I’m feeling so angry right now that I’m really worried I’m going to lay down major consequences that I regret later, or that I’m going to be harder on you than you deserve, so I need you to let me sit with this for a while and we can talk about it later. Can you do that for me without it making things worse for both of us?”
- When you are able to be calm, tell her how you’re feeling, and why. For example, “I loved that bracelet because it belonged to my grandmother, and I’m so sad that it’s gone. I’m hurt that you took it without asking, and I’m frustrated that you treated it in a way that meant it got lost.” Note that there is no criticism here, or attack.
- Let her know what you need to prevent it happening again. “I need you to respect my personal belongings. This means not taking things from my room without asking first, and respecting my answer if I say no.”
- Let her know what would be a good next step for her, if she doesn’t offer it without prompting. “I would love you to apologise, and to ask if there’s anything you can do to help.”
- Sit down over a cuppa to talk about why it happened, and to reflect upon how she would feel if someone did that to her. Where possible, empathise with her position too. If she feels
- Praise her for anything positive she contributes, whether that’s an apology, or correctly identifying your emotions, or not getting defensive.
- Help guilt be guilt, not shame. Remind her she did the wrong thing, not that she’s a bad person. Tell her you need to work together to figure out how to improve her impulse control, not that you can’t trust her anymore. Talk about guilt, the purpose of guilt, and how to alleviate it through repair, generosity, and kindness. Talk about the uselessness of shame, and how it only makes situations spiral out of control.
- Give a relevant consequence, if you feel that’s helpful. Because that’s what a consequence should be. Not a punishment. An actual useful consquence that can help resolve the problem. If your daughter has drawn on the wall and you need to invest your time into cleaning or repainting, you could ask her to help you make up for the things you couldn’t do during that time. For example, you might let her know that she needs to help you clean the drawing off her wall, and then help you do the washing up that you were about to go and do when she told you about her artwork. Consequences that involve time together are often best, as it strengthens the bond, gives you more opportunity to talk about it, provides space for your child to apologise outside the context of “the talk” which is often easier, and actively proves to your child that you don’t hold it against them as a person.
- Ask her if she has any questions, whether about what she did, how you’re feeling about the situation and/or her, consequences, preventative strategies, or anything else.
By giving your daughter this as consistently as possible, you are leaving this door open for future conversations. What is now your child coming to tell you they flushed a bouncy ball down the toilet, decades ahead may be them coming to you with concerns that their spouse shouts at them and they’re not sure if the way they feel about it is justified. Now your child admitting they put the fruit from their lunchbox in the bin at school, may later be them asking if it’s okay that their manager always puts their hand on the small of their back when they’re standing near each other. What is now your child talking to you after the school principal has called you up to school because they eloped from class, may later be your child phoning to say they’re feeling suicidal after being hit by their partner and don’t know where to go. Be the safety net.
And whatever age your child is, if they ask you to come and collect them, or ask if they can come and stay with you, just say yes. Say. Yes.
Be Involved
While independence and autonomy are important, and being a helicopter parent isn’t the best way to empower your child, the reality is that many autistic adults could do with a sense check here and there.
New boyfriend? Ask how they treat them. Watch the way they interact. Is your daughter always getting him a drink, bringing him food, washing up while he sits and chats or watches TV… but you don’t see him offering equivalents? Tell her that equality is crucial in a healthy relationship. That a healthy relationship isn’t just smiling, affection, and a lack of shouting. If she is not in a relationship of reciprocation and respect, remind her she deserves better and that better is out there.
Notice your adult child’s lifestyle seems to be pushing it financially? Sit down and check they’re doing okay, that they aren’t racking up debt, that they’re aiming for savings or investments (not an easy goal in current climate, but still a goal people need to know exists!), and that they’re across their own budget, taxes, and superannuation, etc.
Being involved, again, will mean your child knows they have a safe person to come to with “silly questions”, rather than digging themselves deep holes due to shame or fear.
Literal Defence
- Have emergency numbers on phones, and location settings turned on.
- Keep a safety net of savings if possible.
- Tell your daughter not to reduce herself to housewife/parent at the detriment of her self, if she becomes a mother. She can be a great housewife and a great mum, and still advocate for her own needs and dreams. She deserves to exist as her own person, not just in relation to her family members.
- Teach her to defend herself. To be able to physically protect herself from attack. Enrol her in self-defence martial arts.
- Give her tips in preventative approaches, like not getting drunk, avoiding walking in unsafe places at night, and not accepting lifts from people she doesn’t know.
- Teach her to say no when she wants to or needs to. Even if it feels rude or hurts someone’s feelings.
- Empower her with skills in deescalation, situational awareness, and confidence. Boost that self-esteem!
While we can’t eradicate violence against autistic women, we can reduce the chances of autistic girls turning into victims when they are older. We can empower them to know they deserve respect, kindness, and safety. And what to do when that isn’t what they are receiving.